On October 31st, 2008 our first child was born. Though the delivery had complications, it was amazing. It seemed perfect. We were prepared. My little guy was here and I couldn't wait to take him home.
Elijah was the perfect baby. However, in our new perfect world I started to feel anxiety and sadness. "Why am I feeling this?" I would wonder. My life is perfect. Of the numerous resources I read nothing talked about this, no one I talked to warned me about this. The thought of having something mentally wrong with me broke my heart and deepened my depression, leading me to believe I was a bad mother. But Elijah was not being neglected and I was falling more in love with him every day. Everything should be wonderful, so why am I feeling this way?
I lost my daily motivation and interest in hobbies. Even showering became a chore. I was feeling uncontrolled anger with every little thing. Elijah's crying irritated me and the slightest provocation set me off. I was feeling helpless, worried and upset that I would react this way toward my precious child. No one prepared me for postpartum depression and its damaging effects.
After many agonizing grief and angst filled days I decided to talk to my husband about it. I had been taking it out on him too. He was comforting and told me he had noticed but did not know how to help me. He had been trying but I did not see it. Painfully the months went by and finally I decided it was time to open up. I had to be honest with my self and honest with others.
The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I'm Erin, mom to 8 month old Elijah. I have postpartum depression (PPD).
I admitted it first to a few friends, then opened up. I have even tweeted about it. I have had both moms and dads sympathizing and telling me their stories. From light PPD, that makes you feel 'not quite right' to severe PPD that left one mom crying for hours a day. Two moms even recounted their stories of postpartum psychosis and how they were committed to a psychiatric hospital because they almost acted on their terrible thoughts of hurting themselves or their children. They relived their pain to help me with mine. No matter the severity of their cases, I now knew I was not alone. None of us were prepared for it or knew what to look for. It unfortunately seems to happen to almost every mother to some degree and you do not do anything to cause it.
I am getting better. I talked to a therapist and a PPD support group. I acknowledged that this was not my fault and is not something that can be helped thought it can be healed with education and support. Some women may need intense therapy, some may need medication, or some just need a friendly understanding shoulder, but one thing is for sure, you can not deal with PPD alone. PPD is not easy, but is normal. Knowing what to look for and the symptoms (such as depression, hopelessness, anxiety, loss of pleasure in any daily activities, sleep problems, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, thoughts about death or suicide, fearful thoughts of hurting your babies) involved are key to that healing. This is something that the medical profession, OB/GYN's, and midwives need to address throughout a pregnancy. If you are feeling PPD help is available through the Internet, your doctor, local agencies, and in your local phone book. Always remember, you are not alone.
Do you feel that PPD is not addressed enough? Have you experienced PPD or are concerned you will? Those who have experienced it, is there PPD advice you wish you had known ahead of time?
Thanks for sharing!